


Memories

by Whovian2525



Category: Anne of Green Gables - L. M. Montgomery, Anne with an E (TV)
Genre: Confessions of love, F/M, Fluff but angst, Gil is so dramatic my god, Gilbert has a cursing problem, Gilbert is in love and is a total mess, I forget what they explained about her, I mean she's still dead, Mention of Death, Shirbert, Shirbert are cute, Super angsty, angsty as hell, annexgilbert, but also fluffy, but also not fluffy, death but no death you know, it's cute, light cursing tho, mostly angst, not canon towards Gil's mother, wow I suck at this
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-04
Updated: 2018-08-04
Packaged: 2019-06-21 14:41:02
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,166
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15559995
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Whovian2525/pseuds/Whovian2525
Summary: There comes a time in every person's life where they have to look back on their memories. Where they have to discern mistakes from blessings. Heartache from love. Anger from happiness. It was Gilbert Blythe’s time to find this out.Gilbert believes he's dying. He can't die without Anne knowing he loves her.





	Memories

There comes a time in every person's life where they have to look back on their memories. Where they have to discern mistakes from blessings. Heartache from love. Anger from happiness. It was Gilbert Blythe’s time to find this out.

It had started with a cold. He should’ve known better. He was training to be a doctor. He _really_ should’ve known better.

He was going to end up just like his father. He was going to have a nice funeral but a couple days later, everything would go back to how it was, everyone returning to their happy and boring lives. Gilbert had wanted more for himself than that.

He wanted more than Avonlea. When he was younger, he swore to himself he would get out. He didn’t care how he would do it, how his father would take it, he just wanted out. He believed Avonlea was stale, boring, ugly. He was annoyed at the weather and the people that lived in the town, and at himself for not being born more interesting. He swore to himself he would make something for himself. He would become someone he could become happy with.

And now he was going to die in the place that took both his parents. He was going to die forgotten.

His life up to this point came to him in flashes. The faint memories of his mother, smiling down at him as she took care of him, singing soft lullabies to him as he fell asleep, reading adventure stories that Gilbert wanted to experience. His mother’s funeral, too confused why everyone was crying and why his mother wasn’t there. The rekindling of a broken relationship, Gilbert trying everything to make his father smile again. Running around with his friends during lunch, talking back to Mr. Phillips. Bonding with his father. His father becoming ill.

Saving a beautiful girl from Billy. Trying to get the girl’s - _Anne’s_ \- attention. Getting slapped by Anne with a slate, well deserved. Becoming friendly academic rivals with Anne because at least it was better than nothing. His father’s funeral, losing the only family he’d ever have. Leaving Avonlea, knowing it was time. Seeing Anne and wondering if it was all a mistake. Leaving Canada for good, knowing it was the best thing to do. Meeting Bash, trying to be hopeful that nothing bad would happen to him, too, because he knew he couldn’t handle it if Bash left him like his parents. Coming back to Avonlea and feeling like nothing has changed yet everything changed. Seeing Anne and all his feelings come rushing back. Becoming friends, or so he hoped, with Anne. Becoming ill.

Gilbert wanted to breathe the memories in, inhale them and never let them go. He wanted to go back, he desperately wanted to go back. He figured that none of them were mistakes. None of them could ever be mistakes, not even getting hit by Anne or his parents death, because while he missed them more than he could feel his own heartbeat, it lead him to the person he was up until this point. It led him to Bash and to Anne.

Anne.

Gilbert needed Anne. He needed to tell her. He needed to tell her everything. He needed to tell Anne how in love with her he was. Even if he died on the way over to her, it was still worth a shot. He had to tell her.Gilbert groaned as he got up. The entire world was spinning and his head was full of pressure and he felt so _heavy_ but he decided in that moment it didn’t matter. His entire life wouldn’t matter if he didn’t do this.

He struggled to put on shoes. He struggled opening the door of his room, he struggled with everything. It felt like years had passed just getting outside his house. The fresh cold air hit his face and he stared at the white blanket of snow covering everything and he wondered for a split second if he was already dead.

Gilbert trudged his way towards Green Gables, holding onto trees to help him be stable. He felt his entire body ache. He had never felt this kind of pain before, but he knew he’d be in more pain if he didn’t get to Anne.

Every memory of him with her kept showing up in his head. He wanted to scream out of anger that he was dying. He didn’t want to die. He didn’t think it was fair that he was dying so young. He was angry at the world for taking his mother and father, for making him grow up too quickly, for making him fall in love with a girl who he’d never have a chance with, for falling so deeply in love with a girl that he could barely think straight when he was around her, and for dying before he could tell her.

Gilbert collapsed in the snow. He rolled over so he was staring up at the sky. He wondered what Anne could possibly see that would make her so ecstatic about Avonlea. He wanted to know what it was like to see the world through Anne’s eyes. To see beauty in everything, to find a story in every single little detail of life. Through his eyes, all he saw were clouds. He knew Anne would find a romantical story out of the clouds.

Gilbert shut his eyes and willed himself to think of a story, one last thought before he died, to honor Anne. A story that would make her proud.

But the only thing that came to mind was Anne.

Anne.

This couldn’t be it. He didn’t want this to be it. With all the strength he had, Gilbert got up and started walking towards Green Gables. This wouldn’t be it. He wouldn’t die yet.

He almost started crying when he saw Anne in the barn.

“Anne!” Gilbert tried to scream, but it wouldn’t come above a whisper. He needed to get her attention. He didn’t know how longer he could walk for.

“Anne!” Gilbert kept calling, limping his way towards the barn. He collapsed in the snow once again as soon as Anne turned around and saw him.

“Gilbert! What are you doing here, are you okay? You look like death,” Anne said, running out of the barn to rush over to where Gilbert had collapsed.

“I think I am,” Gilbert mustered, trying to smile. Anne tried to help him stand up but Gilbert stayed sitting on the snow, not caring that the snow was melting against him, making his clothes wet.

“We need to get you out of this cold, it’s not good for you. You haven’t been to school for the past week, I was worried that what Billy said upset you. I know if it were me, I wouldn’t want to show my face for an entire month. I thought about going up to your house and giving you the homework, to be fair of course, given our academic rivalry-”

“Anne, I don’t care about any of that,” Gilbert said. He knew his voice wasn’t even above a whisper, he felt too weak to try to get his voice any louder than that.

Gilbert stared at how delicate Anne’s freckles looked against the snow, wanting to memorize her face forever, wanting to stay in this moment forever.

“I wish I could freeze time,” Gilbert whispered. Anne looked at him with concern. “I wish I could freeze time and just stay with you in this moment forever. I wish I could go back to when I had called you Carrots and I yanked your braid and tell myself how much of an idiot I was. I wish I could tell myself not to mess with the relationship we could’ve had. Where instead of you hating me, we could be friends. Where we didn’t have to be academic rivals just so I could have an excuse to talk to you, and we could be friends. I wish I could tell myself then how perfect and amazing you are, and to not screw it up by getting angry at you for nothing. I wish I could go back in time and tell myself to not be such a coward and tell you how much I _love_ you, because I’ve wasted everything,” Gilbert looked up at Anne through teary eyes, wishing, praying, that he could have more time.

“Anne Shirley Cuthbert, I love you. I love your red hair and your freckles and how opinionated you are about everything and how you can make anything into a fantastical story. I’m so angry at myself for not telling you before- before I die. I wish I could’ve admitted to myself earlier that I’m in love with you because that would mean even more time of loving you, of cherishing you. I wish I could have a life with you. I wish I could kiss you right now, but I know that it would just be a kiss of death. I don’t want to end it like this. Anne I don’t-” Gilbert broke down, his entire body shaking, whether it was from sobs or his illness, he couldn’t tell.

Gilbert grabbed onto Anne’s wrists, trying to stop her from running to her house. He needed more time, more time to tell her how he felt, more time to just be near her. He felt so _weak._ His eyes were closed before he could stop them.

The last thing Gilbert heard were the screams of Anne, calling to Matthew and Marilla, screaming for help, for anyone.

Gilbert decided it was all blessings. Every memory he had was a blessing.

* * *

“Well you certainly gave us all a fright,” Gilbert could hear.

Gilbert shot up from his bed. Two hands pushed him gently back on the bed.

He wasn’t dead. He wasn’t- he wasn’t dead. Gilbert couldn’t believe it. He looked at his surroundings and found Marilla Cuthbert pouring water from a jug into a glass. She handed it to him and he took it, using most of his strength not to drop it. Instead, he set it down on the table next to him.

“What-what’s going on, where am I?” Gilbert asked. He looked around and recognized his bedroom.

“You showed up to Green Gables, telling Anne that you were dying. You just had a bad fever. You’re just like Anne, so dramatic.”

 _Anne._ Gilbert remembered now everything he had said to Anne, believing those were his last words.

“Goddammit,” Gilbert cursed. Marilla dropped the water jug in surprise, spilling water on the floor. Gilbert, remembering his surroundings, paled.

“Gilbert Blythe, I never!” Marilla exclaimed.

“Oh, excuse me, Ms. Cuthbert, I apologize deeply, please excuse me,” Gilbert stuttered. He couldn’t believe himself.

“I’m going to excuse you just this once, Gilbert Blythe, but only because of what you went through. But if you ever, and I mean ever, take the Lord’s name in vain again-”

“Yes, yes, of course, Ms. Cuthbert, of course. I’m so sorry,” Gilbert stuttered, his ears burning out of embarrassment. Marilla narrowed her eyes at him.

“I’m going to get something to clean this mess up,” Marilla said, walking out of Gilbert’s bedroom. “Oh, hello, Sebastian. That child has the mouth of a sailor, you need to knock some sense into him,” Marilla said as Bash came into the room.

Bash saw Gilbert and smiled warmly, sitting on a stool by Gilbert’s bed.

“What did you say?” Bash asked. Gilbert groaned.

“I’m, uh, not allowed to say it ever again,” Gilbert said. Bash laughed. Gilbert couldn’t express how happy he was to see Bash again. To hear his laugh.

“You should’ve seen how confused Mary and I were when we came back here to find you gone. It wasn’t until the Cuthbert’s farmhand, Jerry, came to us and told us that you were at their house. Gone on for a nice stroll, or?”

“I went to see Anne,” Gilbert confessed. Gilbert wanted to roll his eyes at the smug face that appeared on Bash’s face.

“And you tell me you’re not in love with her,” Bash shook his head and laughed. Gilbert didn’t even try to suppress his smile. “I’m glad you’re okay,” Bash told Gilbert. It was so full of conviction that Gilbert wanted to sob.

Gilbert wanted to tell him, “Me too,” but he couldn’t work up the courage. He still couldn’t believe that he was breathing, that he was talking to Bash in his bedroom, that he lived. He didn’t want to say it because he didn’t want to jinx it.

Instead, he asked Bash how long he was out. Bash told him two days.

Two days. Gilbert wondered if Anne was okay. He wanted to know what she was thinking… if she felt the same way. If she thought he was crazy.

Marilla walked in his room with a cloth. Gilbert tuned out as Bash offered to mop up the mess Gilbert had inadvertently made and shut his eyes and fell asleep.

 

* * *

 

It was another two days later when Anne arrived. Gilbert had been reading a medical book when Anne knocked on the door and walked in.

“You’re awake!” Anne exclaimed, a shy smile appearing on her face. Gilbert felt like he couldn’t breathe.

A thousand thoughts swarmed around his head, giving him a massive headache. He felt terrified, excited, and full of warmth all at the same time. He didn’t know what to say, he didn’t know what he _could_ say. He felt like a fool.

“I’ve been stopping by after school for the past few days but you’ve always been asleep,” Anne said. Gilbert knew he should say something, _anything,_ but nothing came to mind. He was so embarrassed he wanted to hide in his bed forever.

So, Anne stood uncomfortably by his bed with a stack of books and papers in her hands. He couldn’t speak, and he certainly couldn’t look her in the eyes, so all he did was nudge his head towards the books.

“Oh! Um, I brought work from school. I figured you’d be bored, I know I’d be bored out of my mind by now, being stuck in bed all this time,” Anne set the stack of things on his bedside table.

Gilbert knew he should say thank you, but he somehow couldn’t.

“Is that a medical book for your vocation?” Anne asked. Gilbert could barely manage half a nod of his head.

God, Anne was trying so hard and all he was doing was staring widely at anything besides her, his mouth slightly agape, trying to work up the courage to speak.

“Gilbert, _say something_ ,” Anne said with a huff. Gilbert only looked at her for a second and closed his mouth. Anne sighed and walked out his bedroom.

Gilbert felt like such a fool. An absolute fool.

“Anne, wait!” Gilbert yelled. “Goddammit!” Gilbert cursed, disobeying his promise to Marilla. God, he really hoped she wasn’t in his house.

“Gilbert Blythe!” Mary said as she walked in his room, carrying a bowl of soup. “How dare you talk that way!”

Gilbert groaned and rolled his eyes. No, no, this was not happening. He wasn’t going to let Anne go. Gilbert pushed back his blanket and got up, slipping on his shoes as Mary set down the bowl of soup on his dresser.

“Gilbert, where are you going? Get back in that bed,” Mary said. Gilbert shook his head.

“I’m sorry, Mary, I’ll be right back,” Gilbert said, running down the stairs to follow Anne, ignoring Mary’s call.

Anne was walking away quickly, already outside. Gilbert ran up to her.

“Anne, wait up!” Gilbert yelled, grabbing her wrist to slow her down. Anne took her hand back.

“ _What,_ Gilbert? What do you want?” Anne asked, her voice strained. Gilbert shook his head. He couldn’t say it. He couldn’t. If he said it, everything would come up. He felt like crying. Anne must have seen how hurt Gilbert looked because her eyes softened.

“You know, Diana had this crazy notion that you got out of bed and ran to my house to confess your undying love for me, but I told her that she’s silly and that you came to me because I’m the closest and you needed help,” Anne said with a sad smile.

Gilbert had an out. He could tell her that she’s right, and that they’re just academic rivals and he was ill and didn’t know what he was talking about, and they could continue their relationship as such. He could do it. Something in him wanted to do it. It would feel like this huge relief because he would never have to know how she truly feels about him.

But, as he stared at Anne, he was reminded how much it _hurt_ thinking that he would never be able to see her ever again. How much he wanted just another second with her. How could he betray his past self by being a coward and chalking it all up to illness? He would never be able to forgive himself.

“Diana’s right,” Gilbert whispered. He couldn’t look at her, he was too scared. He knew she was going to run away.

“Do you really mean that?” Anne whispered back.

Gilbert took a deep breath and took Anne’s cold hands in his.

“Anne Shirley Cuthbert, I am in love with you. I think I have been for a long time. Everything I said, they were true. I meant every word,” Gilbert said.

A long silence passed between the two. Gilbert forgot that he was standing there, his hands in Anne’s, in the freezing cold, because all he could feel was fear.

“I thought you were going to die,” Anne said, her voice cracking. Gilbert looked into her eyes and saw tears streaming down her face. It wasn’t until then that Gilbert realized he was crying too.

Anne drew Gilbert close to her, hugging him tightly. He wrapped his arms around her waist, resting his head on her shoulder.

“I did, too, Anne.”

Gilbert didn’t tell her how he thought he was going to end up like his father, how scared he was that he was going to die with no one missing him, how he was going to leave Bash and Mary and Anne. That he was never going to see them again.

“I don’t know what I would do if you died, Gilbert. Everyone has le-left me a-and,” Anne sobbed, unable to say more. Gilbert cupped her face and looked into her eyes.

“Anne, I’m not going anywhere. I promise,” he said fiercely. Gilbert rested his forehead against hers gently and closed his eyes, and wrapped his arms around her waist.

“I love you, too, Gilbert Blythe,” Anne whispered.

Gilbert wanted to kiss her right then and there but instead, he kept hugging her. He figured he could make some more memories. And he knew they were all going to be blessings.

**Author's Note:**

> Okay, I felt really angsty while writing this because I had super angsty music playing (Vienna by Billy Joel anyone?) I hope you enjoyed! This is my first Shirbert fic. I'm thinking about writing another chapter in Anne's perspective, let me know if I should! Thank you so much for reading, I'm rusty with fanfiction, I haven't done it in a while.


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